short and sweet

Psychology can be loosely understood as the study of how thoughts interfere in people’s behavior. So here’s a bit of psychology for you:

The thoughts that cause people most problems are those related with survival and safety. In fact, we will attach ourselves to even the most negative thoughts if we believe they are needed for survival.

Of these “primal” thoughts, the ones concerning dependence on approval or love are the toughest to deal with. These thoughts are related with survival because during our early childhood (when thought patterns are formed) we believed that our survival depended on approval—or at least permission—from others.

The key to solving these problems is to understand that we are our own source of love and acceptance. It is impossible to love someone more than we love ourselves; it is impossible to receive more love from someone than the love we are willing to give to ourselves.

…

Our world is populated with projected, automated patterns. We need to learn to see them from the outside, from a detached perspective. We need to retrieve our projections. We need to know that what we think we are results from personal interpretation. 

sole mate

I used to cry. Can’t really say if it is my predisposition or karma or what, but the fact is that what had always needed some changing in my life was the way I dealt with intimate relationships. Oh, you too? Yeah, I know this is pretty much everyone’s problem.

For eons people have been trying to find a formula that will bring them their soul mate, that person who will provide them with eternal happiness, joy and sexual pleasures. I know you will expect me to say that this is just another one of those delusional myths. There is no such thing as a soul mate, right? Well, right and wrong. Sorry, I am in the mood for paradoxical Zen koans.

You see, my personal experience led me to conclude that the soul mate is not actually a person – it is a projection. Confused? Let me explain. When you go to the movies, you know the images on the screen are projections from a camera hidden somewhere in the back. I mean, unless you are that woman in Woody Allen’s Purple Rose of Cairo, chances are no one is going to walk off the screen and into your life.

Furthermore, the movie is just a story. You are the one who colors it and makes it real with your own feelings and interpretations. In fact, the person sitting next to you will see it in a completely different way. This is obvious, isn’t it? Well, I have come to understand my life, relationships included, in the same way. Facts are projected on the outside, right in front of my very eyes, but the way I see them really depends on my inner content.

And facts can be interpreted in as many ways as there are people witnessing them. Now isn’t it funny how we know that movies on a screen are not real but take our own projections as reality in life? Don’t believe me? Check it out.

Think about all the times you wanted to change something in your life and manipulated your external surroundings to do it. Did it work? I mean, really work? Probably not. Just think of the several occasions when you complained about aspects in your former partner, for example, only to find the same old faults in the next person.

Now have you seen what happens when, instead of changing the outside you leave the situation alone and change you inner patterns, your inner beliefs? Just try it. I did. And what I saw was that the inner change was carried out onto the external world. By changing on the inside, my outer surroundings changed too.

This means that our life circumstances are really our choice. Isn’t that wonderful? With a little bit of inner work, you can turn that horror flick into one of those romantic comedies where everything turns out alright in the end. I know I did.

Indeed, what I have found to be true is that by facing and owning my inner masculine and feminine images I was able to improve my relationships with other people as well as with myself.

But was it easy to overcome the usual tendency to blame or place responsibility on others for my projected faults? Of course not. It was only after many years of struggle that I was able to see I really no choice if I was ever going to live a happier life.

Furthermore, I had to learn as I went along. It was sort of like putting together the pieces of a puzzle without ever having seen the entire thing. Hard at first, but it gets easier as you go along and start seeing the bigger picture.

And as I looked at my patterns and felt them through, they turned out to be meaningless and literally disappeared. In other words, by objectively examining my actions and thoughts I was able to mature towards a more productive existence. Much like a child that eventually outgrows their childhood toys in time, I simply got bored with the old stories.

Everybody wants a soul mate, but no one is thinking they themselves are the hindrance. Try to work through your patterns, and chances are you will find that person before you even know it. And my advice is good for other aspects of life as well. You can use it to improve your relationship with your boss, your financial situation or your own grumpy personality, just to name a few.  

the pen is mightier than the writer

Hello friends! 

I wrote this as a guest post for Kate Evangelista's Coffe Bar a while ago 

and have reposted it here because I believe it is worth sharing...

the pen is mightier than the writer

Writing a preface is not necessarily an easy thing to do. You must entice your readers. You must make it interesting so that they will want to continue and read the rest of your book. In many ways, the preface is the book’s mission statement—and one of its major selling points. I don’t know how other authors do it, but I generally write my preface after the book has been finished. And let me tell you, it’s hard. You’ve just finished writing I-don’t-know-how-many pages and are completely saturated. You’re tired. You want to stay away from a computer screen for a while. But you have to move on. You have to squeeze that one last bit of inspiration into your work.

Let me tell you a funny story. It was late February. There I was, first draft in hand, trying to write the preface to my first book, irregular therapy. Although I was saturated and couldn’t wait to finish the entire thing, the view of the white snow contrasting with the beautiful, clear blue sky outside my window was truly inspiring. I sat down and wrote a few pages of what I thought was pretty good “wordsmithing.” Okay, done. Great. The icing on the cake. I read it out loud and liked what I heard. My preface was funny and concise and provided just enough information to tease the reader. Or so I thought.

Satisfied, I was now ready for the next stage. I sent my manuscript to a guy who evaluates books before they are out and checks for their potential. A few days later, he replied. He liked my book very much and thought it would sell, but he had a problem with the preface. In his own words,

“I found the book compelling and easy reading…the sex angle will bring lots of readers, and it feels honest…but there's less evident emotional growth, and unless you told me in response to my questionnaire I wouldn't have known that was the book's purpose. Thus my problem with the preface. It didn't really tell me what I could expect from the book nor why I should read it. To do so it must speak openly with me, the reader. Rather, it kind of wanders around…”

Needless to say, I was kind of disappointed. I mean, I felt great because I was actually getting overall positive feedback from an expert, but I had reached the point where I was just about ready to lay my brain aside and fly to Cancun for a few days. I really could not write another word. Enough already!

But I had no way out. If the preface needed changing, then the preface needed changing. I remained with that uneasy feeling for a couple of days, wondering what to do and waiting for inspiration to strike. How could I make it better? How could I address the issues pointed out by my evaluator? I thought and thought and thought. I changed a few words around. I added new ideas to try to address the missing issues. I tried and tried and tried, but felt I was going nowhere.

Finally, out of sheer disappointment, I ended up relaxing. I gave up trying. Just then, a funny thing happened. I spontaneously started writing about my frustration. I started writing about what the expert guy had said. I started writing about the entire process, just to get it all out of my system.

A few minutes later, after I had written enough to calm me down, I noticed I might have something there! I looked it over and thought the content was bold. I thought the wording was unique. It carried the same tone as the rest of the book—it was honest, fun, and straight to the point—and it addressed my concerns. (Well, it had to, since I was writing about my inability to write about them, and in doing so I was actually writing about them!) I decided to make it my preface. Well, that’s not entirely true. I didn’t decide anything. I must confess that, much like the rest of irregular therapy, I didn’t write the preface. It just came out. And it came out the way it should. Okay then. After writing those few pages, I realized that that had to be my preface. And this is what came out:

Truth Be Told

Let me take you on a true journey. A man’s journey through the rough seas of relationships. A journey that led him to realize that real change must come from within. A journey with themes so archetypical, so universal, that although it takes place mostly in exotic Brazil, it may as well have happened in your very own neighborhood.

Wait. Hold on. What a load of rubbish. Permission to speak freely...

Shortly before finishing this manuscript, I had it evaluated by a hotshot in the book business. He told me he found it easy reading and compelling. He told me the sex angle would bring lots of readers. He told me the book was nearly ready to go. But he also told me he had a problem with my preface. He told me it kind of wandered around and didn’t really tell him what he could expect from the book or why he should read it. Shit.

You know, I’ve been working on this thing for a couple of years. I’ve reviewed it so many times I’ve almost memorized it. Yeah, you don’t have to tell me. Such is a writer’s life. But the fact is I’m completely saturated and can’t wait to see it published. So when the guy suggested that I rewrite the damned preface, I al- most fell off my chair.

But the hotshot fella’s probably right. And after all, I didn’t pay good money to teach my grandma to suck eggs. So here I go.

Let’s see. Right. I suppose I could dish out the usual plethora of clichés found in prefaces and tell you this is a “coming-of-age book,” a captivating truth-told sexual romp, an honest if not a bit single-minded story of a cure, and blah, blah, blah. Yawn. Boring.

I could possibly try to make you feel some sympathy from the start and say it took me many lost years to get my emotional cards in order or that despite the relentless fun and not too troubling approach, I saw a number of hard-earned lessons, over years, and changed accordingly to display the virtues learning those lessons brought. Well, these things are certainly true for me. But you might not see my story this way, nor do I think you will much care.

I could play shrewd, aim for the masses, and reveal that in spite of the bumps along the way (or maybe because of them), I’ve managed to find my soul mate and, with secret formula in hand, I can show you by example how to attract your own twin flame. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Perhaps I could anticipate some criticism by posing as the conscientious writer and confessing that although my account may seem rather exploitative, especially from a woman’s point of view, it couldn’t be otherwise if it were to show my gradual emotional growth. Nah. Who am I to know what’s on a woman’s mind.

What if I appeal to your emotions by stating that through my troubled relationships, I’ve learned to respect and understand myself better, as well as others around me. Or that as a result of having had these experiences, I’m now able to see what was self- defeating and greedy and have been able to grow from and past it. Dear God. Too psychological.

Useless. I’m looking for something unique, something different, but the harder I try, the less comes to mind.

I hate to say it, but I feel I’ve run out of fuel. So much for telling you what you can expect from my book and why you should read it. Seems that this should be a simple enough task, but silly me. Trying to boldly write what no man has written before.

This is really getting on my nerves. And I’m going nowhere. Tell you what. If you don’t mind, I’ll just call it a day and you can go ahead and read the book. Deal?

…

I know you won’t be able to agree or disagree with me unless you read the entire book. But that’s why it’s called a teaser, right?

Inspiration is indeed a funny thing. If it comes, it comes. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. But when it comes, it is like a warm feeling, it is almost an enthusiasm. And it always, always surprises you. Inspiration comes when you surrender to your own nothingness. It takes you over and you only become aware of what has hit you after it is gone….

irregular therapy: one man’s struggle to find meaning, money and a soul mate is 256 pages long and can be purchased on my website, www.irregulartherapy.com, in several formats: paperback, ePub, Kindle, or PDF. It can also be found at major online outlets worldwide such as Amazon, Barnes and Noble, iTunes, and Smashwords.

Write on!