Moon

Early twilight saw full Moon rising…in my heart—dark shadow lurking upon infinite abyss. 

After everyone was sound asleep, it called to me and prayed with me. It showed me my pain and I cried. I cried just to kill time. 

I could see fragments and more fragments taking a breath, gaining new life in my silly mistakes. 

Moon led me to fictitious honey, rotting in my own torture chamber, trickling down from cracks in the wall and impregnating the air around me. 

Behind every blind and innocent squirt of faith I was shown a hint of clear blue sky…a hairline crack, an infinitesimal fissure through which warm light escaped, and whispered to me: “I am here, now.” 

It was only then that I truly acknowledged Moon—sunbathed rock, cozy, cool, picturesque, utterly feminine in shape and form. 

Finally, Darkness dispelled what seemed to have stemmed from purely whimsical misunderstanding (predictable, fabricated coma)...Finally!

Fair Maiden in my dreams made me see I was in love with Moon (to the nth degree), and that all the while I had forgotten about the sun…

alive and kicking

I dreamed I was a warrior. I dreamed of battles, I dreamed of feats, I dreamed of lands unconquered.

I dreamed of a butterfly—soft, untouched—taking flight. Irregular flight.

I dreamed I was alive…and kicking.

I dreamed the world—my world—was perfectly round. I dreamed of friends. I dreamed I was ready for myself.

I dreamed I was bathing in a crystal clear mountain stream. I dreamed the trees were in communion—with a huge, flat, sun-warmed rock.

I dreamed the Moon was full…of love, life, and watercolors.

I was high. High on summertime. High on pure breath. Way higher than my silly limitations.  

And when I finally came down, I was still here. Now.

I woke up to find my bed was made. I woke up to find my mind was blank. I woke up to find my dreams had all come true.

And tomorrow, when I once again lie in slumber, I shall remember the virtues and—yes Johnny—the watusi, the twist.

And tomorrow, when my time comes, I will know there is no tomorrow, no sorrow, no time.

is the snake really a rope?

When the Self is unknown the world arises, not when it is known. But you mistake the rope for the snake. When you see the rope, the snake vanishes.

Ashtavakra

Gita 2:7

Or, in other words…

As a child I used to live in a very big and [sometimes] creepy house. I remember I used to dread those nights when I got up thirsty at 3 A.M. and had to drag myself out of bed for a glass of water. While rushing by the TV room on my way to the kitchen, I couldn’t help but catch an unfortunate glimpse at the long and narrow hall that led to my dad’s office. The bright lights on the parking lot across the street from our house shone through the half-open curtains and reflected into the hall, creating a surreal and most haunting vision. Every time I flew by the TV room late at night for my precious glass of water, I looked over towards that creepy reflection, kind of expecting to see something that would knock my soul out of my body. But I never did. And then, relieved, I would run back to my cozy bed for some Technicolor dreaming action.  

One evening, however, as I hurried along in the darkness towards the kitchen, I took a gander at the spooky hall and what I saw truly froze me in my tracks. I mean, I could have been mistaken, but out in the distance, far, far away, I could have sworn I saw the bloody curtains moving in my dad’s office!

Needless to say I was terrified. My fertile kid imagination started conjecturing all kinds of nightmarish scenarios. There was something behind the curtains. For sure. There had to be. I knew it. A monster, no doubt. Perhaps the boogeyman. Perhaps two monsters. Perhaps a whole legion. All kinds of terrible thoughts came to my mind as I just stood there, terrified, paralyzed in fear. Then the curtains moved again. Bam. Utter shock. Adrenaline rush. What to do? I could scream and wake everybody up, but I was too terrified to even utter a sound.  

After what seemed to be an eternity, I gathered all my little boy courage and decided to face whatever was behind the curtains. I didn’t know why I was doing that. I just knew I had to do it. I knew I could die. I knew I could be torn to pieces. But I could not live with that fear. I had to find out.

I hesitantly walked along the hall, across my dad’s office and stopped in front of the curtains. Dear Lord. Everything was still. Hey, maybe it was all a mirage. Maybe I was seeing things. After all, I was sleepy. My mind could have been playing tricks on me.

But just as I began to calm myself down…the curtains moved again! I started trembling really hard, but there was no more time to think. In a sudden and crazy move, I yanked the damned things open.

Surprise!

There was nothing there.

Say what? How could that be? Then I looked up and saw my nemesis-to-be-that-never-really-was: a rush of breeze that would periodically rush through the half-open window, making the curtains move. It ran through my face. It actually felt pretty good…

And my fear was instantly gone. The monster was instantly gone. I obviously couldn’t see why at the time, I just felt relieved. But the fear was gone because it was just a ghost. It was an expectation. It was gone because I was able to see the truth. I was able to understand.

And the simple, very simple truth is this: whenever we decide to face our fears—our inner monsters—they invariably turn out to be wind blowing on the curtains.

Now, how many monsters have been hiding behind YOUR curtains?

you do the math

In Physics, a quantum leap can be defined as the discontinuous change of the state of an electron in an atom or molecule from one energy level to another. What this means is that the movement of an electron from one energy level to another is not gradual. After acquiring enough energy, the electron disappears in one level and reappears in another level. In other words, a quantum leap is a leap from A to B, without ever passing through any of the points between A and B…

Very peculiar indeed. Peculiar but not unique.

In Psychology, a mental pattern can be defined as an acquired set of behaviors we create to solve a problem and repeat because it has worked in the past. But this does not necessarily mean it will work in the future. In fact, as we develop, many mental patterns no longer suit us. Our environment changes. Our relationships change. Our needs change. But a mental pattern is like a bad habit. It just goes on.

Getting rid of unwanted mental patterns is easy, really. All we have to do is observe our motivations, our reactions, our story, over and over. In fact, it actually involves a gradual process of awareness and self-redefinition, in which the movement in awareness from one level to another is not gradual—at all. Please allow me to explain.

We start by observing a mental pattern. We observe its schemes. We observe its reactions. We observe the thoughts and emotions that comprise it. We observe and observe and observe, but nothing seems to change. We observe some more, still no change. More observation—no dice. The old pattern seems unbreakable, invincible.

But then one day we reach a critical point. Out of the blue, it seems, we’ve become lighter. A great burden has been lifted. There is a sudden perception—a major de-patterning perception. We are more detached from ourselves. Our field of vision broadens. We have acquired enough awareness, our subconscious disentangles itself from the mental pattern, and frees up attention as we move on to a higher level of consciousness.

Very peculiar indeed.

It is as if we are taken from point A to point B without ever passing through any of the points between A and B…

Get it?

shadow: last will and testament

Please allow me to introduce myself. I was given a name at birth, but you can call me Joe Cool. I’m a hero. I’m on the helm. I do what I want. I’m special.

Yep, I’m an illusion. Deep down inside I know it. But who cares? I’m in control. Still in control…

I’m told I’m a disease. I’m told I impregnate the system, but how can that be? I’m NOTHING, really. I’m thought, I’m memory, I’m pure crystallization.

I’m static. I interpret and judge; I always know what’s best, what’s right. I’m selfish. So what? I don’t need anyone. I use others and others use me…

Sure, I have a reason for everything I do. I’m constantly justifying myself. I’m NOTHING. So what? As long as I’m in control, NOTHING else matters. I’m aggressive, I’m active, I’m influential while in control. I’m illusion. I rebel, fight, scream. I tread on others. I’m spoiled; nobody listens to me, nobody pays attention to me. Of course, I’m NOTHING!

I’m limitation itself. I’m endless within my illusion! I need to live. I’m immortal until the day I die. Yep, I’ll die. So what? Everyone dies one day…

I’m structure. Or so I believe. I want to exist! I want to show off! I want to be important. I want to be acknowledged. I want to be acclaimed. I’m proactive. I’m always first. Or last, it doesn’t matter. As long as I get the attention I deserve. Always! I’m so childish!

I need to hang on. I need to survive. No, I won’t disappear. I won’t evaporate. Deep down inside, I know I do harm. So what? One day I’ll die anyway…

Body? What do you care? It’s mine, and mine alone. I take all my frustrations out on my body. Who cares? It deserves to be punished. And one day I’ll die anyway…

Want to get to know me? No dice. I’ll hide as much as I can. You won’t see me coming. I’ll catch you by surprise. And I’ll dump all my crap on you. Tough. I’m despicable, I’m manipulative, I’m arrogant. I’m blind!

I love blood. To hell with everything! I’m a tyrant, but sometimes I play the victim. I love it! It brings me closer to people. This way I can manipulate others. This way I can use others. Who cares?

I’m really smart. I meet my needs and justify myself while I’m at it. I’m a sufferer. But then again, who isn’t? I’m entitled. People will respect me, people will be proud of me. And I’ll be knee deep with suffering. I’ll drown a little more. Who cares? One day I’ll die anyway…

I’m clever. I make up my own stories. I’m always fooling myself.

I’m happy. I’m happy because I’m constantly fooling myself. And whenever I’m sad, I have my excuses to cheer me up. That’s fine. Everything will be different next time. Hey, that’s what reincarnation is for, right? RIGHT? Until then, leave me alone. I’m suffering…and enjoying every last bit of it.

Somewhere within my shallowness I’m self-sufficient. I like this word. Shallowness. I don’t want to drown. May each one manipulate the other as each deem fit. I don’t want to stop. I know I’m right! I must be right! An eye for an eye…blessed be Moses!

I love my stories. Who cares? The world is filled with stories! Let me express myself. Let me go on fooling myself. Let me go on contributing towards a crappier world. This way time goes by faster. This way I leave my mark on others, on the cattle. It’s always their fault anyway…

I hate mirrors.

I live in peace. I DO! I’m always imagining. Then I won’t have to face the world. Who cares? The world is my oyster. And I want to eat it raw.

I love words. They're great. They're my refuge, my weapon of choice. I live in a sea of words and thrive on them, especially the words whose meaning I cannot fathom. Words are my shield against feelings. They prevent me from feeling. Well, feelings. Who needs feelings anyway?

My motto: much confusion and always on the move. And speaking of movement, which way is forward?

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the words. I’m in control. Words are my tool. Words keep me safe and warm. Want to see?

Check this out. Watch me get rid of my anger.

I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m angry, AAAAAARGH! ANGER! See? It’s gone. Anger is gone. See how easy it is? Words are magical! I’ve felt my anger. And now it’s gone. Don’t believe me? TOUGH! You’re lucky you’re not here. Otherwise I’d BEAT THE LIVING CRAP out of you!

Well, enough talking. It’s time to go and lock myself down. It’s time to shut down. Yes. This makes me stronger. This is how I build my castles. Strong, solid. No foundation, but solid nevertheless…

No, wait. I think I’ll go on speaking. I feel better this way. What am I afraid of? I’m not afraid! If I stop, I won’t die!

Well, I must confess I’m dependent. But then again, who isn’t? Of course, if I stop for a second it will only be to drink a little or smoke a little or have that sweet.

What? It’s bad for me? Well piss off! How can I go on if I’m deprived of the small pleasures in life? How could I survive? How? How? Survive?

Oops, I’m dead.

unveiling emotions I: deception

I’ve been defeated. I’ve been brought to my knees. I feel weak. Just as I thought I had it all figured out. Just as I thought I had all the puzzle pieces in place. Swoosh. The rug is once again pulled out from under my feet. I know. It’s happened many times before. But I forget. I always forget. Hmm. Convenient. Every time it happens, feels like the very first time. But then I remember. And it only makes it worse.

You have shed blood for that person. You’ve given them all you’ve got. You’re filled with expectation. And then they let you down big-time. Again and again. Yep. You know the feeling.

I feel burdened. I feel heavy. It’s that familiar pain. It sits on my chest. It’s at it again. Like a heavy cloak, it weighs me down. Head to toe.

I feel disgusted. I wish I could just drop dead. I wish I could just sleep forever and not dream, not even for one split of a lifetime. I’m a loser. I’m a victim. I’ve been defeated. I’ve been brought to me knees. And I don’t know if I’ll ever get up.

Deception. It will do that to you… 

mountains are mountains

Children are wise. Children are filled with bliss. Children have no need for conjectures. Children simply respond. Children are like wild animals. Always in the right place at the right time. Always landing on the right tree. Always knowing when to take flight. Always knowing what to do when the moment is ripe.

Children are wise. Children are wise, but naïve. Children are wise, but don’t know it. Children are wise, but in their wisdom awareness sleeps…

In humanity, experience awakens awareness in wisdom. We grow up. We live. We stumble. We fall. We get up. We learn and move on. And we eventually become like children. Again. Always in the right place at the right time. Always landing on the right tree. Always knowing when to take flight. Always knowing what to do when the moment is ripe. But now we know. Now we are aware.  

And awareness of wisdom is our greatest gift. It leads us to a whole new level. It leads us to utter bliss. It leads us to our personal path. It leads us to that familiar sense of wonderment. It leads us to…well, it leads us to NOTHING.

And then,

When an ordinary person realizes it,

   he is a sage.

When a sage realizes it,

   he is an ordinary person.